159.2

I actually went the whole week without weighing myself because our scale battery died and I just replaced it.  I feel awesome!  I even cheated every single day with bites of sweetened greek yogurt, baby cookies, goat cheese, and on two shameful occasions, toffee bars.  And last Saturday?  Right after I posted?  We went to a sausage fest (literally) that happens in our town during October and completely fell off the wagon with sausage, dark beer, corn on the cob and funnel cake.

This sounds really bad, right?  But for me to lose nearly 2 pounds in the midst of all of that gives you an idea of how much shit I was eating last month.  We are truly enjoying eating this way (am not referring to the cheating) and are proud of ourselves for all of the home cooking, lunch packing, and leftover eating.  It’s not cheap, though.  All of that produce and high-quality protein, not to mention the cranberry is $200 a week. I would tell you how that compared to our fast-food habit but I’ve never let myself tally it up.  On the worst days it would have been 3 meals for 2 people at $6 a pop, so that would be $252 per week.

This is 10.2 pounds in 3 weeks.  7 1/2 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight and 14 pounds from goal.  God.  That sounds far away.

Mr. Dogwood only lasted 5 days on the fast.  I wanted to go 10 or 14 and was really feeling super (except for an episode with the salt water flush holy mother of God I am never doing that again I thought I might have to go to the emergency room) but he felt like he was getting snippy (having a toddler and fasting is not the easiest thing) and wanted to start the transition into the Fat Flush Plan.  You are supposed to break the fast with 2 days of fresh-squeezed orange juice, then a day of vegetable broth.  We broke the fast with a morning of orange juice, a lunch of vegetable broth, and a bowl of rice for dinner.  Once your appetite comes back, it really hits hard and I was impatient.  Yes, I had the brown waterfall a day later but I took a swig of Pepto and it never returned.  Is taking Pepto after a cleanse counter-productive?  Duh, but I wasn’t about to suffer the brown waterfall again.

I started at 169.4 and after a few days my weight balanced out to 162.4.  Seven pounds in five days is pretty fucking dope.  We started the Fat Flush and this morning I’m down to 161.  My hips are visibly slimmer.  I went to the Gap and bought a new pair of skinny jeans.  Is that jumping the gun?  Absolutely but I don’t give a shit but I’m taking this train all the way to the station.

Mr. Dogwood was down 11 pounds as of yesterday.  I haven’t had a drink in 13 days.  Can you believe that?  I sleep like a rock at night, which started the first night of the fast.  The No’s of this diet are no alcohol, no sugar, no caffeine and no yeasty things including soy sauce.  The purpose of the whole thing is to give your liver a break from being bombarded with toxins that steal vital minerals from your body, and allow your liver to do its primary job of burning fat.

Here’s what we’re eating:

Protein:

2 eggs for breakfast each day

Whey protein

About 8 oz of lean meats chosen from

Turkey slices (look up all of the alias for MSG when choosing yours– there was a reason that Hilshire Farms honey turkey was so tasty)

Ground turkey

Turkey sausage (buy organic, low salt)

Salmon (sockeye is the most delicious)

Tuna

Shrimp

Scallops

Lamp chops

Chicken

Beef

Two fruits per day:

Mandarin oranges

Nectarines

Cherries

Blueberries

Pears

Apples

Plums

Strawberries

Peaches

Bueberries

Blackberries

Raspberries

Unlimited vegetables:

Romaine lettuce

Spinach

Bell peppers

Tomatoes

Cherry tomatoes

Brussel sprouts

Cauliflower

Green beans

Alfalfa sprouts

Artichoke

There are more fruits and vegetables to choose from but this is what we like.  Phase 1 is supposed to go 2 weeks but you can take it up to 4 weeks, then in phase 2 you can add in a sweet potato, or butternut or acorn squash (omg so excited) and a slice of Ezekiel bread.  Your weight loss should continue in phase 2, just more slowly.  In phase 3 you can bring in olive and sesame oil, lots of other friendly carbs, raw nuts, and a little bit of dairy.  I can’t wait to resume my love affair with goat cheese.  I am cheating now by adding olive oil and sea salt to things, but I’ve gotten a lot better about creating meals and don’t feel like suffering through blandness.  Mr. Dogwood isn’t going to stick with me through this if it’s bland.  All kinds of spices are allowed but stay away from things like excessive chili powder unless you want to retain two pounds of water in the morning.

We’re having two 1.5 Liter bottles of cranwater (6 oz unsweetened cranberry and the rest is water) per day and sweetening the water and smoothies with Stevia.  I’m adding flaxseed oil to the smoothies (made with water, not milk) and using Organicville salad dressings that are apple cider vinegar-based.  The Plan calls for you to make your own salad dressing with flaxseed oil and lemon but I am telling you to just go buy Organicville with cider vinegar.  The supplements we’re taking are a probiotic, CLA, GLA, a multivitamin with chromium and of course, psyllium.  If you do a teaspoon twice a day instead of a tablespoon it’s a lot more palatable.  I truly feel fantastic right now.

Here’s what I’m mixing up for our meals:  for breakfast today I made two over-easy eggs and a slice of Applegate Farms uncured turkey bacon.  The grocery store makes a pico de gallo that I am obsessed with right now.  It’s tomato, onion, a tiny bit of jalapeno, cilantro, lime and salt.  I put it on everything and this morning I spread it over my eggs and chopped them up with the yellows all runny and it was heaven.  We also make some fresh oj and call it a  2-fruit serving.

Tomorrow’s breakfast will be a casserole where I line the bottom of a sprayed casserole dish with the pico, then beat 8 eggs and pour over it, then add 8 oz (1/2 of a package) of turkey sausage that I cooked up in a pan ahead of time.  Pop in the oven at 350 for 30-40 minutes and it doesn’t even feel like you’re on a diet.  It’s breakfast for 2 for two days.  When you cut a serving, cut two eggs’ worth which is a quarter and you’ll be like, “I get to eat that whole thing?!”  When we’re in phase three I’ll add a layer of cheddar cheese or goat cheese beneath the egg.

For dinner last night I made my chicken tortilla soup without the chips and cheese.  I boiled three chicken breasts, then chopped them up.  In a huge pot I poured in two boxes of organic low-salt chicken broth, added the chicken, two cans of diced tomatoes with sweet onion, three stalks of chopped celery, half a sweet onion, 4 chopped cloves of garlic, and two teaspoons of black pepper, red pepper, cumin, and one teaspoon of chili powder.  I let it simmer on low for an hour.  It’s dinner for at least 2 nights.

The night before I made a meatloaf with 2 pounds of lean ground beef, oregano, basil, salt and pepper, and 1/2 cup of the most incredible organic pasta sauce.  It’s Central Market’s Garlic Lover’s Pasta Sauce and it’s made of water, tomatoes, garlic, sea salt, olive oil, onion, basil, oregano and black pepper.  I could eat it with a spoon.  I formed a loaf and put it in the crockpot on high for 2 1/2 hours and then put even more sauce on it when I ate it.

On our first night I marinated 2 cuts of sockeye salmon in a tiny bit of olive oil and this minced garlic in canola oil (watch out– most minced garlic is in hydrogenated oil, read the label) sold in the spice section and baked on 425 for 18 minutes wrapped in aluminum foil.  I added a side of blanched green beans (boil 3 minutes, shock in ice water) that I threw back in a frying pan with tiny bit of butter and the minced garlic and a pinch of sea salt.  They were the best I’d ever made.  For a lunch snack I marinated halved cherry tomatoes in olive oil and garlic with a pinch of salt.

Can you believe I’m cooking all this food?  Totally out of control, right?  I don’t have time for this but it’s fun and obviously I love eating so someone has to do it.

Tonight I’m going to try to make P.F. Chang’s chicken lettuce wraps without the soy sauce.  I am drooling over the Holiday Food Guide in the New York Magazine that just arrived.  Look at this.  Click “view the slideshow” first.  Then, see those blue links?  Click them.  Read.  Learn.  Delicious.  I’m going to try to make the brussel sprouts and cauliflower in a Fat Flush way today.  I almost ate the magazine last night.

So how is everybody?  I missed you Margo!  I missed you all, ladies!  I just needed a break and I guess to hit rock bottom again, and especially to have my teammate finally say he was on board to make my life easier.  Life is so much more hectic now– I work in three counties 3 or 4 days a week and the neighbor takes care of baby Dogwood for about 4 hours a day.  He’s better behaved with her and her son than he is with me, that’s for sure.  I bought the 10 Minute Trainer and have done the DVDs about 6 times so I need to get off my lazy ass and really commit to that.

And yes, I told Mr. Dogwood that in January or February we can try for baby #2.  Whenever we talk about baby #2 he follows it with talk about baby #3 and I just don’t think he understands how I feel like life isn’t going to start for me until all of my babies are at least 5 years old so maybe we shouldn’t make so many.

What’s up, ladies?  Anybody still here?  Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

So, I spent this summer packing on the pounds and managed to go from something like 158 (13 pounds from goal) all the way up to 169.4!  Holy hell!  And I’m not even pregnant!  I blame this on Southern Style Chicken Sandwiches (omg I want one so bad just by typing it), Starbucks Chai Tea Lattes and lemon pound cake, Paul Newman’s pizza margherita, ranch dressing, and of course, box wine.  If any skinny minnies need to know how to put on weight and keep it on, that right there is a no-fail recipe.

This puts me at 24 pounds from my goal weight of 145.  I spent most of 1994-2004 weighing 137-150 so I know that 145 is a happy medium that was easy to maintain prior to me turning 30.  I am ashamed to look at my own thighs in the bathtub at 169.

So here’s the thing about Kiki losing weight/being on a diet/drinking less/eating healthy:  Kiki can’t do it without Mr. Dogwood.  Mr. Dogwood is a saboteur who loves his box wine and he is also a grown man that Kiki cannot boss around, which is why Kiki married him.  Mr. Dogwood is now 33 pounds from his goal weight and his suits don’t fit him.  He is supremely unhappy at his current weight and not giving Kiki the business out of fear of being mistaken for two beached whales in a fist fight.  I kid.  I don’t know why he’s not giving me the business.  We both hate being in our own skin right now.

Mr. Dogwood came to me and said he wanted to fast.  This is music to my ears.  I cannot fast without him and have been waiting for him to get to this point of self-loathing, so I quickly said, “I will do it with you.”  Fasting in the Dogwood house transitions easily into the Modified Fat Flush Hearts Kat Eden Diet, so I don’t want to hear how bad fasting is when it gets us back into a proper relationship with food.  I have been abusing food.  Ranch dressing.  Barf.  I’m even allergic to the msg and dip my pizza in it anyway.

We started the fast on Tuesday.  This morning, Thursday, I’d lost 6.4 pounds and Mr. Dogwood 6.8.  It’s Day 3.  Usually by Day 3 I am feeling skinny and weighing in somewhere around 154.  Today I am on Day 3 and still unacceptably fat because I was so fat to begin with.  We’ve never made it the full 10 days, so that is our goal.  Long term, we’re thinking that we might each drop a permanent 5 pounds by the end of the fast (once everything balances out and we’re eating again), and then we will do the Fat Flush until Christmas Eve, taking one day off for Thanksgiving where we will be allowed to eat all the turkey and green beans we want.

This should get me safely below 145.  I told Mr. Dogwood that we can then make a baby.

Looking for Master Cleanse inspiration I came across this little hottie, who did the fast for 40 days.  That is insane and not at all what my goal is– there are other people who fasted for 40 days on youtube and check in a year later saying what a huge mistake it was and for no one to go above 10 days.

Anyway, here is Abigail on Day 1 (clearly that surgery she speaks of was on her titties):

and on Day 40:

If she can do 40, certainly I can do 10.

However, I haven’t pooped since Tuesday.  I don’t want to drink the herbal tea and I don’t want to drink the salt water flush.  I read about a supplement called Triphala that is supposed to be fruit-derived, natural and gentle, and was disappointed to find out that GNC has never heard of something at least a thousand years old.  I’m sending Mr. Dogwood to Sun Harvest after work today to find some.  I was handing him some important work papers for the day and he asked me to write the name of the supplement on the top of the papers.  I don’t know why I paused.  It’s an obscure name; I’m sure if someone happens to read the papers in his hand that they would not know that Mr. and Mrs. Dogwood haven’t had a bowel movement in 2 days.  But I did pause with pen poised in the air and Mr. Dogwood said, “Unless the name is Laxi-poop.  Then don’t write it on the paper,” and I laughed that ab-cramping silent laugh so hard that I had to put my head down on the kitchen island to support myself because I haven’t eaten since Monday.

(for the real thing, go here.)

WHY YOU SHOULD FORGET CALORIE COUNTING AND PORTION CONTROL

Allow me to introduce Aussie journalist and blogger Sarah Wilson for today’s guest post. Sarah blogs over at here about how to make life bigger, more meaningful, nicer, smarter, heartier. Her blog is one of my personal favourites.

Now here’s a thought: what if all those folk who take photos of their every meal and post them on their blog/Twitter/Facebook were actually onto something? I’m sure you’ve seen them about. I was at lunch recently and watched a table of six whip out their iPhones as their food arrived, repositioning the Maldon salt pot artfully and angling the lighting all Petrina Tinsley-like. In a flurry of thumbs they then tweeted the images on to their cyber followers replete, no doubt, with foodie-ese captions (“River Café-inspired mascarpone-stuffed chook with intriguing heirloom tomato smear”; “Well, if those toffee shards don’t take me straight back to 1992!”).

I’ve previously found such faddish behaviour bewildering. But this week I discerned a point to it all. Fastidiously honouring your food in this way is mindfulness in action. Pausing to reflect on what’s about to go down your gullet, appreciating the brininess of the bisque or the appropriateness of the enoki garnish, can create a respectful awareness. And is evidence of a new way of eating that’s – hallelujah! – blowing diets off the menu.

After all the misery of portion control, and the grim failure of calorie counting, there’s mindfulness. Mindfulness is the Buddhist practice of being aware, moment-to-moment. It’s sitting with yourself, instead of reaching for an external stimulus or fix. Mindful eating, then, is eating this Tupperware container of leftover beetroot risotto and being wholly conscious of doing so. It’s being aware of every texture (“I am now biting into a slippery beet chunk”) and every flavour burst (“Hello, salty goats cheese topping!”), while not typing this column at the same time. When you’re mindful, you don’t overeat, you take care to eat good food prepared with care and you’re satiated – emotionally and otherwise. You don’t have to try, you just be mindful.

Bizarrely, a recovering anorexic got me onto mindful eating. Back when I hosted a small show called MasterChef, one of the Top 50 contestants, Sarah, told me about a Eating Disorders Victoria program that taught her to eat with 100 per cent awareness. Over time it helped her appreciate food again. The reason most of the Western world has disordered eating and more than one billion people are obese is we’ve lost the ability to listen to our bodies. From a young age we defer to external cues – eating at set hours, eating set amounts. Then we’re bombarded with competing messages for several decades. Before finally trying to remedy things handing our appetites over to the Jenny’s and the Aitkins to control.

Mindful eating does the opposite. It brings control home to us.

Me, I can be a shockingly mindless eater. Mostly I eat well. But I’m also an emotional over-eater. When I get anxious I shove food down my gob as a way of squashing and silencing the fluttery self-doubt in my gut. I also love food. I cry, sometimes, when I eat something really good. That’s how much I love food. So I get rather threatened by the idea of having to change my ways.

But on Thursday I got bold and tried out EDV’s program. This involved a number of gentle rituals that bring me into my body. Before eating, I take five deep breaths and acknowledge what I’m about to eat. I say it out loud, like old-school grace. I then look at the food. Name it. Note the colour, the texture. In my mouth, I note whether it’s salty or sweet. I chew slowly. I put down my fork between mouthfuls.

Mindful eating is on the up and up. Experts are emerging with fresh tricks and techniques. One advises learning from young kids, who are naturally mindful: when you think you’ve had enough, push your plate away (that is, take it to the sink; this creates “closure”). Another suggests lighting a candle and using lovely crockery as a way to access awareness. My favourite Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh publishes his book Savor early next year. He advises eating in silence for the first half of the meal, then talking only about food after that.

To be frank, this week I found this mindful eating caper bloody annoying. Mostly because I’m not good at it. But the EDV counselor I spoke to put it nicely: “You can’t do mindfulness well or not well.”

Indeed, that’s the beauty of mindfulness. Once you’re aware of it, it kind of infiltrates. And soon enough you’re saying grace and sending photos of your oxtail risotto to your fans.

C’mon – fess up? Do you photo your food, ‘plate up’ every time you cook, and love to admire food as art? Or do you prefer to just scarf it down and move straight to dessert?!

OK.

I did not post a Friday Fat Check because I suddenly found myself to be entangled in a sneaky hate spiral (do yourself a favor, readers, and click on that glorious link).  I’m not entirely sure how to get out of it when Scale is being such a fantastic asshole and not doing his part to help out.

HOWEVER.

I.  Will.  Get.  It.  Back.

Is it too much to add a MOTHERFUCKERS in there?

Okay, MotherFuckers.  I WILL GET THIS SHIT BACK.  Do you understand me?

I know you’re not scared.  You have no reason to be scared as of yet, and that’s on my lazy pathetic ass.  But rest assured: I will sit and I will contemplate this shit, and I will FIGURE IT OUT, and I will get my ass back on track.

Who’s with me?  Anyone?

Inexplicably, I did not wake up yesterday morning looking like this:

Molly Sims by Timothy White

I KNOW.  What gives?

In this case, I’m pretty sure what gives is that I have the stamina of a jelly fish and have a hard time with self-motivation.  And that I’m not 5’11″ and a super gorgeous model.  Duh.

So, I started back with the meat for breakfast and the cranwater and the trying to get enough regular water.  I’m a grown ass woman, one would think it would not prove so challenging to make myself DRINK WATER.  Jeez.

And I went back to the gym yesterday.  Well, that’s an over-statement.  I went to the track at the gym and walked around it for 45 minutes.  Which: boo.  That’s not working out.  But it’s not nothing.

AND then last night I went and had a horseback riding lesson (!), which lasted for a couple of hours and today I cannot feel my butt.  So, things are looking up.

(Except that I’m now out of left over fajitas, which means I’m not sure where my meat for breakfast is going to come from tomorrow.)

How’s it going for you guys?

hoho0482 on flickr

132.4 lbs.
24.7% fat.

I’m thinking of changing the name of this blog to ThunderThighs.

This guy’s pop-up bubbles are annoying, but it’s a helpful way of hearing the information.

(Although, if it makes you want to drink without eating, DON’T.  That is really bad for your insulin levels.)

I seriously suck at the New #1 Water Rule and I’m having a hard time locating my will power in order to commit to this most excellent reader challenge provided by Badass Faith.

The first couple of days, I did great.  Even when my bladder started to protest because it did not enjoy the possibility of having to deal with 48 extra ounces of liquid just so my brain and central nervous system would be able to partake of a gin martini and a glass of red.  But after a couple of days, my bladder started to say, “OK, what the fuck?”  And then it went on strike.

Have you ever had your bladder go on strike, readers?

It’s not going well.

hoho0482 on flickr

131.0 lbs
24.2% fat

Down 2.8 from last week—proving that either it was totally PMS or the water rule is totally awesome, and maybe both.  But I still feel totally doughy, y’all!  Totally doughy and gross and unmotivated.

I’ve gotta get my mojo back if I’m going to show 120 the vegas treatment.  Where is Samuel L. Jackson when I need him?

Do you guys want to post your starting point and goals for The Vegas Showgirl Challenge (or as I like to call it: Reclaiming SkinnyThighs™)?