Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)

Guestblogger: J. Simp

my hair extensions weighed more than I did!

Hey y’all!  Just droppin’ by to show you how sexy I used to be, before I fattened up, wrecked the Dallas Cowboys, stocked my closet with mom jeans, and started singin’ at chili cook-offs.  Y’all know I’m still singin’, right?  Y’all know I’m not really Daisy Duke, right?  That’s just my movie business homonym.

I was off the radar for a minute but now I’m back, keepin’ my name in the papers by roundin’ up J. Simp shoes for my Haiti care package.  I totally hope to deliver my knock-offs in person because it’s always been my dream to go to Africa.  So sad about that tsunami.  Tony whats-his-face and I might adopt a baby while I’m there.  He doesn’t know that I didn’t let him break up with me… it takes two to break up, right?

Anywhoos, I’m here to talk about the skinny, sexy thighs I had for six whole weeks while filmin’ Dukes of Hazard!  True, I kept on wearin’ my Daisy Duke cut-offs for months afterward, but I swapped them out for size 14.  Shhhh!

Miss Kiki asked me to stop in with some fitness tips but all I can tell you is to hire a personal trainer to make you do a thousand squats every day.  Every day, y’all! I can’t believe I ever worked so hard!  The only squattin’ I do now is when I’m in a cook-off port-a-potty to drop the kids off at the pool!  Tee-hee!  Get it?  Kids?  Dropped in the pool?

I’m writin’ about dookie, y’all!  Oooh.  I should go weigh myself again.  That was at least half a pound.

This party don’t stop till someone calls the po-po!

J. Simp


4 Responses to “Guestblogger: J. Simp”

  1. I am not too proud to admit that I was watching that horrible Newlyweds show she did while she was training for that movie. Not only did she do a thousand squats, she also stopped eating anything but lettuce. I remember because they still kept going to TGIFridays or wherever and she would whine about how there was nothing there for her to eat. Duh.

    But damn did her legs look fantastic.


  2. I really did hear her say “drop the kids off at the pool” on that show.


  3. Hopefully this isn’t too big of an inspiration because it’s so clearly unrealistic… even for HER.

  4. Yes. It lasted all of about 3 months, poor dear. Bless.

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