Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)

Guestblogger: Britney Spears


Hey. So, do ya’ll remember back before I went all cuckoonuts and stuff and used to look like this?

Guy Hepner for Esquire Magazine

I KNOW, Y’ALL, RIGHT?!?  Those were totally the good old days, when I could eat at In & Out Burger all the time, and make my famous Cheeto Funyun side salad (omigod, y’all, SO! GOOD!), and drink caramel frappuccinos all day?  Because I was all young and everything and my body LIKED it, I swear to GOD.  Starbucks totally misses me, y’all.

ANYWAYS.  The Fug Girls are totally giving me a hard time (I know you are behind this, MOTHER!) about not wearing pants to the Grammys this year.  And even though I wrote them that letter EXPLAINING that I couldn’t help it, now that I’ve had some DISTANCE or whatever, I guess I can see their point.  BUT, Y’ALL, those girls are, like, OBSESSED WITH PANTS!!  Seriously.  And my life is HARD NOW!  I’ve got KIDS and stuff, and I have to watch what I EAT and everything, which is, like, so totally unfair!  And besides, that Chicky GooGoo or whatever her name is (who IS she anyways, y’all? She is totally stealing all my paparazzi, and I don’t even GET IT) does it ALL. THE. TIME.  (Forreals, y’all. I don’t even think she knows what pants ARE, how embarrassing!!)

So.  I just wanted to stop by here and say hi because I knew y’all would make me feel better about this.  And I was hoping maybe I could join your bikini challenge and stuff because I need some friends like you to remind me to lay off the Slurpees, because sometimes I just forget.  I mean, GOD, y’all.  I CAN’T REMEMBER EVERYTHING!!

Anyway, you guys are so nice!  Thanks for letting me get that out.  And for letting me get a break from my kids for a minute, because MAN.  I don’t know WHY they are so hyper, it’s like they are CRACK BABIES or something sometimes and I just NEED A MINUTE without them asking if they can steer the car, because I TOLD YOU WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE, NOW DRINK YOUR FRAPPUCCINOS AND CALM DOWN!!!

Hey, did y’all see my hair is brown again?  Doesn’t it look cute?

Bye, y’all.  xo,



3 Responses to “Guestblogger: Britney Spears”

  1. omg. She looks like a postpartum Jennifer Lopez in Lady Gaga panties in that link.


  2. apparently, that’s what a millionaire looks like.


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