The Butt Report

by margo fotaine

scaryman12345 on flickr*

So: The Brazil Butt Lift.  I know I’m overdue for a report on how it’s been going.

Initially, my plan was to do the 30 day program like gang busters and see if, at the end of it, I’d have the promised perfect beach-ready butt.  Having never in my life before HAD a beach-ready butt, I was skeptical.  But, I am also desperate as my butt has to make a rather public appearance in 3 (short) months, beach-ready or not.

Once you get past how Leandro Carvalho looks and talks like a Fred Armisen SNL spoof version of himself, it is a kick ass, challenging work out.  And it’s fun.  There’s some samba dancing, some African-style dancing, a lot of hip shaking, and you get to learn moves like “the suspended clam,” which looks about as dirty as it sounds.  There are several different workouts, with 4 different plans for you to mix and make your own customized workout schedule depending on your particular body shape and the booty you want.  It is very butt and leg oriented of course, but there’s also an ab-centered piece and the cardio and sculpt workouts are pretty well-rounded.

I have done all of the workouts and could feel a difference right away.  There’s some crazy stuff in here, people.  I never knew there were so many different kinds of luges and squats and sit ups and leg raises and push ups and… suspended clams.  And the resistance band is a totally sadistic, but amazingly effective bit of magic.  The BBL is part of the Beachbody series (like P90X and Insanity—which is where Pink’s crazy body comes from), so it is HARD.  But it’s circuit style, so there’s enough change that keeps you going.  And my favorite feature is that it puts the timer right there on the screen and counts down for you, so not only do you know how much of the whole workout is left, but of each individual section, which makes it easier to get through.  Almost all told, Nike, Athena and Gisele all like this workout and thank me every time I do it by reminding me all the next day how hard they worked.

Now comes the confession part about why I have not been more dedicated to the full out 30 day plan.  And I do know how ridiculous it’s gonna sound, so when the give-me-a-break-ing starts, at least know I’ve pretty much said it all to myself already.  There is this backup—what? dancer? exerciser?—this backup whateversheis that reminds me of someone I do not care to think about.  There’s no good reason this is true; I don’t even think they look that much alike.  But there’s something about the way she just SMILES at me all the time with that “what? this isn’t hard, it feels great!” smile, and makes the gross pageant sexy face during the hip-shaking parts, and overdoes all the exhaling as if to show me how hard I should be working even though she doesn’t really have to because it isn’t hard at all to have this thing I want so badly—I just can’t have it because it’s hers.  Looking at her hurts my feelings, and then seeing her perfect thighs just adds insult to injury.

I know.  It’s stupid.  I’m working on it.

* Careful if you look up this guy on flickr. This might be… uh… the least vulgar of his pics.

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