Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)

An open letter to some jerks who’d better watch their backs

by margo fontaine

Dear Cellulite, Muffin Top, Saddle Bags, Varicose and Spider Veins, Back Fat, Sausage Arms, Water Weight, Double Chin, Cankles, Bat Wings, Pot Belly, Lard Ass, Blubber Butt, Baby Weight, Stretch Marks, Thunder Thighs (!), and all other known associates:


Do. Not. Fuck with me.

Yours in vengeance forever,

Margo Fontaine


16 Responses to “An open letter to some jerks who’d better watch their backs”

  1. This made my day.

  2. (Just amended to include that hateful bitch Baby Weight. She can fucking suck it.)

  3. Stretch marks? And you forgot the most obvious: Thunder Thighs.

  4. GAH! I so totally remembered them when I was constructing this in the shower this morning. Those mofos are ADDED.

  5. Hey, Anon—are you doing this bikini challenge with me and Kiki and Faith? Did you have meat for breakfast this morning?

  6. What is the bikini challenge? And I JUST. NOW. munched down some delicious coconut chicken with my coffee. Mmmmmm.

  7. So bitches – guess what I did yesterday? I ran a half-marathon! It kicked my ass – but I did it. Lost 4.5 pounds while training for it!!

  8. That’s so awesome!! How long did you have to train for it? Where you a runner before or was this your first?

  9. Thank you!! It was 10 weeks of training and I used this as my jumpstart to getting serious about getting into shape. I had preferred taking classes to running before but now I do both.

    On the Breakfast note: I am a vegetarian so I have not been able to do the meat thing so I started eating scrambled eggs as soon as I get up – I’ll let you know if it works!

  10. That’s awesome. I would love to be a runner; I think it would suit my mind and temperament—but my body wants to kill me when I try to make it run.

    I hope I haven’t been offending your vegetarian sensitivities with my praises of the meat breaky… Apparently eggs can mess up your insulin levels, so be careful about eating them every day. I’ve heard that whey protein is great, but I don’t know that much about it. I say, try nuts!

    ( so does this dude: )

  11. (ps: Anon—click on the bikini challenge tag to the right.)

  12. Hell No you never offended me! Don’t ever worry about that!! You keep on inspiring us!

  13. Ah. I’m in for the challenge, except 1) I (without choice) wore a bikini on vacation last week.. does that count instead? 2) It’s most likely going to be raining/chilly up in New England on June 5th.. 🙂 But let’s hope for the best. How do we all share? Honor system? And can we be friends? You guys are swell. Are you on Facebook?

  14. Congratulations. You continue sticking it to those foes.

  15. Anon, of course we can be friends. You’re swell, too. But I have to say that if you wore a bikini in public, it was hardly without choice. It’s not like some prince of Bahrain has kidnapped you and is forcing you to wash his car in a bikini while eating a cheese burger Paris Hilton Carl’s Junior style.

    And where on earth is it chilly and rainy on June 5th?

    Bikini challenge = public bikini outing with witnesses. The honor system will do…

  16. Oh hooray. You guys can see my email address, yes? You can use it to find me on FB. And in Boston, very frequently it is still chilly (ish) and raining on June 5th.. I recall many years it wasn’t ‘real’ beach weather til 4th of July weekend. Blah.

    And yes, you are correct technically I did have a choice in terms of bikini vs. full bathing suit.. I was thinking more along the lines of not having a choice when it came to stripping down to any sort of bathing suit. My bad.

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