Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)

I’m so stupid

by kiki dogwood

You know how I wanted to try on that ABS bikini sold at Nordstrom?  I waited for Baby to wake from a nap and we drove straight to the mall by my house which does not have a Nordstrom.  Total idiot.  So we walked around and I tried on this Jantzen suit (I apologize for the size; it’s all I could find online) at Macy’s in a 6 top and 10 bottom.  The top was very kind to my postpartum shriveled boobs, but the bottom made my muffiny hips look like they were trying to escape from a compression garment.  I live in one of the fattest cities in America and yet I am fatter than the largest bottom they had in this suit?

Jantzen muffin digger

Then we went to Saks and I perused their 50-year-old-woman-on-a-cruise swimsuit selection.  There were only about 20 swimsuits in the entire department.  I put on a thong for this?  So I tried on this Vix number (it was not this pretty pattern at Saks, naturally, it was something abstract in a shocking 80s color palette) in a medium on top and a large on bottom.

Vix. Is it just me or did they photoshop her navel off-center?

Surprisingly, even up-close in the 3-way mirror,  it did not look that bad.  Maybe it’s the cranwater, but I think my gigantic cellulite ass is looking a little better.  Granted, I have really come to terms with my gigantic cellulite ass in the past few years, so maybe I’m just being nice to myself.  Or, more likely, Saks has much better lighting in their dressing rooms than other stores.

Personally, I am not into the Bond Girl bottoms; I’d like something that comes a wee bit higher up the sides.  But Vix is the type of suit that lays on the skin instead of using gathered elastic to dig in and accentuate the fat, which is my kind of suit.  Vitamin A is another brand that lays flat, but I’m afraid most of their bottoms have teensy coverage, which is not my kind of suit at all.

I just found it in seafoam and am kind of loving it.

Vix in aqua

Or I’m loving her.  Whichever.

Check out this coverage:

Vix booty


Three years ago I picked up a Moontide bikini at Everything But Water or Just Add Water or whatever the hell it’s called these days on an early-fall clearance for 50 bucks.  Moontide is a New Zealand brand and it is the best swimsuit I’ve ever owned.  Except it’s not great for surfing.  It lays perfectly on the skin which means it is easy for the ocean to rip off when you’re thrown from the board, and it ties in a knot on the breastbone which ended up bruising me after a day of laying on my stomach and paddling out to sea, getting hammered by the waves the entire way.  Then, for some reason, I ended up wearing it on a second surfing trip when we got married and suffered all over again.  But besides that, it was perfect for my padded hips, and a lot of what they make is reversible so it’s 2 swimsuits in 1.

This is not my Moontide, but you can see how pretty their stuff is:


Here is a Moontide I should consider acquiring.  Look at how flat the edges are on the butt.

Moontide booty on

Maybe later I will try the only Nordstrom in town at its proper mall and find the ABS suit.

EDIT:  This is my actual Moontide bikini worn 3 years ago.  Look at it.  Drink it in.  Flat belly, no digging on the sides.  Aaaaaaaaah.

Somebody's girlfriend and not somebody's mom. Hand by husband.

You know what is BULLSHIT about this body?  I only weighed 2 pounds less than I do right now.



5 Responses to “I’m so stupid”

  1. This is a really excellent post and I appreciate the bikini tutorial, because (as I may have mentioned before), I do not buy bikinis ever. I’m kind of excited to go home and surf for some online, which is good because all I’ve wanted to do all day is quit Bikini Challenge 2010. So, thanks for that.

    And after I’ve found some virtual suits to go and actually try on in a store somewhere, I’m sure I’ll call you in fits of sobs, so get ready.

    That aqua suit is totally cute and would look great with your coloring.

  2. PS: super hot hubs hand photo, by the way. you’re a fox.

  3. Um, KIKI. That shot is ridiculous. That’s your belly? Or rather, that was your belly? Holy hell. You’re so f’ing hot. Not so much the flatness as much as the hourglass situation. Rockin’. I don’t have an ‘after’ of course, but I’m so scared of babies. so. scared.

  4. EDIT: I didn’t mean the flatness isn’t also insanely hot, I just mean *obviously* that part is hot.. and the hourglass too.

  5. Thanks. One of my best friends once said I looked like I had a rib removed. It’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard.

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