Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)

Off topic: Internet Dating

by kiki dogwood

In my quest to find a husband for Margo, or, in the lingo of pet rescue sites I’ve been visiting lately, a Forever Man, I created a profile on her behalf to search for men who have publicly declared their availability.  When I told my husband about some of the handsome men I saw on the site yesterday he said, “Then why are they on there?  Why don’t they have someone?”  And I said, “Maybe they’ve already fucked everyone they know and they’re looking for new people to fuck.”

Who’s been out with someone they met on an internet dating site?  Speak up or this is going to be a convo between me, Margo, Frannondog, Faith and Jaime and we know there are a lot more of you mouthy bitches out there.


28 Responses to “Off topic: Internet Dating”

  1. Let’s rephrase the question: who used to have their own blog dedicated to documenting experiences (mostly online) dating?

    *raises hand*

  2. OOOOOOH. Feel free to regurge the best ones here.

  3. It was great fun and sort of a train wreck at the same time. I shall dig through the archives when I get to work..

  4. And what about now? Did you find your prince?

  5. Mr. and Mrs. Hubs McDogwood have both now made my point for me about why I do not do my own internet dating.

    Are they right Frannandog?

  6. Prince? Not so much. Have I found my lovely-and-genuine-man-who-is-not-perfect-but-with-whom-I-am-commited-to-doing-the-work-necessary-for-a-long-term-relationship? Why, yes! Yes I have. It was a setup (I had seen him on an internet dating site but he had awful pictures posted), I refused a blind date because I was oh-so-burned out from years of internet dating, so met up with him with ‘friends’ to scope him out. Had a real first date the next day and here we are!

    Margo: I think you CAN do your own internet dating, but you just have to strike a balance of being too picky and being too open. Usually the best people to pick out guys for you are people who have internet dated themselves – on my blog, I once held a competition where if people donated $5 towards a month of membership, they could pick out a guy for me to go on a date with. Great in concept but people ultimately were really terrible at picking guys for me. However, I trust Kiki and Mr. McDogwood would be much better at it.

  7. Frannondog, when you say that your brother’s friend is now off the market, was he actually wanting to be off the market? Did he say he was tired of not having a girlfriend and wanted to be in a relationship that was going somewhere?

    I’ve not internet dated in our towns that we live in now, but I did in NYC and I can say with certainty that not one of those men actually wanted to be off the market. They wanted to have as few dates as possible in order to have sex with a new woman.

    The hubs and I did not meet on the internet. We met standing in a line. When we say we met in line people think we say “online” anyway.

  8. Oh, and as far as striking a balance as Franny says, what was interesting is that the men who were the most offensive, abrasive, elusive, and so on, were the ones that I agreed to go out with when I was internet slumming. I’d dated all of the hotties that came up in my searches and finally decided to give the nerds a try.

    Internet dating is the great equalizer and no one benefits more than the nerds.

  9. Hehehe.. funny about “online”.

    His wife left him for another guy, and he was horribly depressed about it. He pulled himself up by his bootstraps and decided to join Match (at my brother’s urging) to 1)re-learn how to date 2)hopefully find someone to whom he could get married (again). He apparently didn’t forget how to date because one of the first dates he went on was the woman who is now his serious girlfriend. Major fail on the wife’s part, btw, since this guy is awesome and super cute.

    As an aside, my brother met his (gorgeous, adventurous, and brilliant) wife on MySpace. Figure *that* one out.

    I think it depends a lot on the site.. free sites tend to attract more of the kind of guy you’re referring to (paying $40/month or whatever it is now is a pretty good weeding out mechanism for guys who aren’t serious about it). I also think NYC is a particularly tough place to be internet dating. In my own experience, I almost NEVER met men online who were *just* looking to get laid.. most of them genuinely wanted to settle down. Funny thing about me and the beau is both of us genuinely wanted to find people, and wanted people like each other, and SAW each other on the site we were both on, but for some reason just never connected there. Timing? Bad pictures? Who knows.

  10. Now that I see your most recent comment – I actually tried to steer clear of the obvious “hotties” – anytime I got even the slightest inclination of a major ego or someone who was just looking to get laid, I steered the other direction.

    In an important distinction: my dating site of choice was JDate. I think Match can cast the net rather wide and I’ve heard it’s a tougher scene. JDate, for better or for worse, errs on the side of the nerdy guys anyway.. probably explains my experience a bit better.

  11. AWESOME. I have a story almost that good. Allow me to go find it.

  12. Jeeesus. That was hard to read.

    I also dug through my archives:

    My date with Scott won the award for worst date in the awesomest bar in Manhattan. In his first E-mail to me he’d talked about how impressed he was with my writing and how hard he was to impress. Somehow I failed see the red flag. In his photo he looked like a nerdy bald guy with a pigeon head, so I ignored him for several months. But during a social lull I finally responded to him in an effort to stop being so shallow and give an unattractive guy a chance. He wanted to take me out. As usual I asked to be taken to my prospective date’s favorite place in New York and he arranged to meet at Angel Share, which served the most perfectly made drinks in town.

    He was creepy. He talked too much. He told me everything about every date gone wrong. After an hour he announced that I was his new favorite person and how much he wanted for us to hang out. Taking the opportunity, I responded that I’d be happy to hang out but that I didn’t think we were going to date. He hastily agreed, which surprised me, but made me feel comfortable enough to stay a little longer. When the bill arrived it sat between us for 45 minutes before I realized we were in a standoff. Luckily I noticed this about one minute before he brought it up, so I had worked through my shock and was prepared with a response.

    “Since this has turned out not to be a date,“ he said while studying the bill, “your share is $78.” Apparently he wasn’t so much in agreement that we weren’t cut out for dating.

    I kindly reminded him that the person who did the asking out is responsible for the expenses. We politely argued the issue in low, even tones for a full five minutes, smiling at each other after each exchange. I finally told him through a frozen grin that he was the rudest person I’d ever met, and that I was now going to get up and go home.

    And so I did. I got up and walked right out of the restaurant and damnit if I didn’t accidentally leave behind my favorite green sweater in the chair. When he E-mailed me the next day and asked when he could see me to return my sweater, I told him to give it to a homeless person.

  13. From my archives. Apologies for the length..

    It’s May of 2004. I had spent some time perusing around and emailing with a couple of people.. nobody too memorable. I set up a time to meet with someone new after work for a game of pool. I asked if it would be ok to meet him earlier in the evening rather than later as I had previous plans to go out dancing that night at around 10pm. At first PoolMan agreed and we seemed set.

    Later that day, I got another email from him, asking if I wanted to meet early because I had plans later. I told him yes, I did, but not until later on in the evening and we would have plenty of time for a first date. PoolMan did *not* like that at all. He asked if we could do it another night when I didn’t have other plans, or if I could pick an activity that we could do together. I told him, “No, PoolMan. These are my plans. I don’t do marathon first dates and we will have plenty of time. We can go out that night or skip it altogether”. He apologized, said he’d had low blood sugar before lunch, and said that time was fine.

    The date itself was weird. Really forcing it. Not attracted to him. Not being myself. Finally I just said to him, “So Poolman, why did you get so bent out of shape about this timing thing?”. What ensued was actually a very pleasant conversation about the conflict before the date, his anxiety about having someone coming into a date with him with a pessimistic attitude that it wouldn’t go well, and some background of his social anxiety disorder. Alright… I thought.. that’s a little unusual, but now we are having a pleasant, real conversation about ourselves and actually talking about real things. Maybe there is some potential here?

    Just as that exact thought is going through my head, he asks me on a second date. I hesitate, feel a little put on the spot, and say “Um, sure. Okay.” Yes, bad idea, I know. But I’m a sucker and I hate turning people down to their face. I’m weak. Sorry.[Disclaimer: I’m in a much better place now than I was back then, having recently gotten out of a very serious 2 year relationship that ended suddenly and without warning, thanks to The Ex. Not that I want to judge people because they have Social Anxiety Disorder, but I probably wouldn’t be quite as forgiving these days. A good thing, methinks.]

    The date ends. PoolMan starts incessantly emailing me a few times a day asking me out again. And again. And again. I asked him to please give me some space, I would contact him when I was ready for a second date.

    A few days later, I realized I was forcing something with too much dating and too many second chances. I cancelled my Jdate account, decided against the second date with PoolMan, and emailed him to tell him so. Please enjoy the following communication that resulted. Brace yourself.

    He writes:

    Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 15:11:38 -0400

    >Whats new? Did you get to enjoy your NY weekend? I’m hoping so. I had a great Saturday at the Beach, and am glad to have my car back on the road insured and what not. It’s like having new freedom. When would you be free? Your name is SomeDayGirl right? No it’s Henrietta…ummm Esmerelda? It will be fun to do another get-together date thingee with you, if I can just remember who you are? I remember whipping your butt at pool though… I’ll call you Sonrisalita,PoolMan

    I reply:
    On 5/17/04 4:27 PM, SDG wrote:

    heeey PoolMan.. how’s it going.
    NY was great, too much traffic in both directions but a bunch of fun. So I’m sure this isn’t going to come as a surprise, but I don’t think I am ready for this whole dating thingee 😉 at this point – not enough time, still dealing with my ex, etc etc. Thought I was in a good place to jump in but it’s looking like I was wrong. I’m sorry for not figuring that out sooner, but better than later. It was great to meet you though, and I hope jdate brings you nothing but the best. 🙂

    He replies.. hope you’re sitting down:
    Date: Mon, 17 May 2004 17:39:28 -0400

    Well, I’m not so sure you make a truly great gal to date based on your dip in communication, but I was leaving a wide door open for social engagements to let life decide. What does come as a surprise to me is that you felt it so imperative to pull me aside during our “date” and really psychoanalyze me at which point I shared my inner workings with a person who then agreed to see me again. That to me constitutes enough obvious care or concern to at least leave something open.Your unstable situation with an “ex” is really deeper than a new friendship? Or is that you’ve done the math, I’m not Mr. Ideal, or am still Mr. Who rubbed you the wrong way, and this is the cheeseball road out?

    SDG, are you not the cool chick that I met? Did I really convey the need for a relationship tomorrow? How did I represent myself? I thought I listened well to you and heard you say it takes many experiences for you to forge a connection.

    I’m strongly disappointed that you didn’t even see friendship as a desired possibility. Should I be more careful about who I open up to on a first date when they pull me aside and want to REALLY know what was up with me?

    Because, that’s where my depth, and persona truly begin. I thought yours showed up in that moment too. All of what we did together took seconds to arrange, I think you’re taking an easy way out of telling me what you REALLY think.Too bad, cause that’s where my interest in you began….PoolMan

    Ps. You owe yourself much better than the crap you just served me.

    WHOA NELLY!! Can SDG be serious, you’re thinking?? Who is this guy?? Did she bother to write him back? Yes, she wants to make nice and be a good person and at least give him a response.

    On 5/17/04 6:04 PM, SDG wrote:

    PoolMan. I don’t think I psychoanalyzed you, I wanted to talk to you about what I thought was you putting me in an awkward position before we even met. Furthermore, I do realize I said I’d see you again, but felt very much put on the spot by you asking me there and at that point in our date. I’m sorry this seems a change of heart, but I ALSO felt that you weren’t really respectful of the fact that I said I would get in touch with you when I could during what was a very hectic time. I DID in fact cancel my subscription to jdate on Saturday based on what I told you in my last email, so I’m sorry if you are seeing it as me “serving you crap”. I also can’t believe this has turned into such drama after one date.

    Who knows if this was the right move. Firm, yet pleasant. Right?

    He replies:

    It’s not drama SDG. I’m really hurt inside that someone I walked away from feeling so genuinely good about just wants me to evaporate with her cancelled jdate account.You might consider the process of getting to know me, and do away with all of those thoughts which lead you away from me.Are you absolutely sure you know enough about me?

    100% sure?

    I wish you the very best too, and I want to meet more people like how you seemed on that date. People who are flexible and respectful. I’m not ready for the game part of dating, I truly just want to start off on some roads with cool people.

    And for the record, I was sharing at the psycho-emotional level, and you should be more honest if someone aggravates you into lying on a date by wanting to know if his vulnerable side was being exposed to a person he’d never ever see again. I wasn’t groping for a second date, I was hoping my flaw didn’t matter to you in the long run. That is where the drama as I see it, began.

    If you can’t understand that, and I can only lose with you, all I can say is, what a shame. What a loss.

    Alright fans, at this point I realize I am wasting my time arguing with him, and I am far too sensitive to deal with this kind of BS from someone I went on one date with. I decide I am finished with this character and don’t write him back, realizing it’s a pointless effort.

    But wait. THERE’S MORE!!! A mere two weeks later, I get the following email:

    How are you doing? You realize that you were the latest exciting jdate gal that came into the fold?

    It was refreshing to meet someone who worked me from the soul and beyond.New things came into play that just hit me in good ways. Maybe I came off in a poor way, and its probably the case that in person I just wasn’t as attractive.It was actually the opposite for me. You really made me nervous in person because I did find you compelling. Its no fun going on dead end jdates.

    There are few to none I’m able to spot who impress me and its because people like you don’t just grow on trees.I’m all about growing to meet someone special like you half-way.I’d even do beyond that in very rare cases.

    No second date really?

    Come on Ms. Girl, is that really how two awesome jewish cuties like us are going to leave things?

    Your brain dents and smooths mine in a way that I can’t forget.

    Baruch hashem,

    I didn’t write him back.

    Now Kiki and Margo – at the point of the blog writing, around 2005, that was the end. This, in fact, went on for 2 MORE YEARS. I kept getting emails from him, begging me for a second date, every 3-4 months. At one point he even photoshopped our photos together so it looked like we were a happy couple. I compiled a file with the intention of going to the police, but it finally stopped.

    The man is insane.

  14. I think we’re going to need you to share the photoshopped pic.

  15. Email address? I’ll forward you the amazing email that came with it.

  16. O.M.G. When I moved in with the beau, I decided it was officially time for me to delete my “JDate” folder from my hotmail.. all of his emails were in there. DANG IT.

  17. I seem to have silenced you all with my overly lengthy comment.

  18. Ha! No. I actually left the house, believe it or not. I am deeply disappointed that the photoshopped picture won’t be produced. Personally, I held onto the letter of apology from one man I went on a few dates with where he said he’d made a donation to two charities in my name so that dogs and alcoholics can survive. You can’t let that stuff go, woman.

  19. I KNOW. I can’t believe it. I also know I forwarded it to several people so I will have to resume the search at some point, it was really just amazing. I did dig up a couple more of his crazy emails, though. Certifiably insane.

  20. WOWEEEEEE!!! Sorry for the silence on my end. It was a heck of a motherfucking day, people. I hate that this happened to you F-dog, but I kind of love that story. You know what I mean. I want to be a faithful reader of your blog-that-was.

    Kiki, remind me again why you think this business is a good plan?

  21. Because your current plan of watching Glee alone with your cat is not working. Tick tock.

  22. My biological clock is not ticking, so I’m not sure what that noise is. And if internet dating is for crazy dudes and fuckaholics, then I’d rather watch Glee with my cat.

  23. That is some CRAZY shit… I can’t say i blame you margo – I have lived in a small town for quite awhile so no need to internet date cause we all know each other or are only seperated by two degrees. You’ll meet somebody don’t worry- besides that huge needle they stick in your stomach for “older” mothers can’t hurt that bad -right?

  24. what the…?

  25. Yes I’m a bit confused by that as well.

    I decided that ticking sound was just newspaper and tv clicking in my ear and have hearby decided to ignore it.

    And Margo I’m all for the Match plan. The crazies aren’t that common, you just hear about them more often because they make good stories. Besides, it was my own fault I went out with him in the first place – should have been able to screen that one out.

  26. I’m not confused by it, Jaime, because this next time around I will be having a Goddamned Geriatric Pregnancy. I hope to not have the needle since something like 2% of pregnancies are lost from it.

    I would have a lot more kids if I didn’t wait so long to start because I was made for pregnancy. Ask Margo.

  27. It’s true. She’s really good at making people.

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