Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)

I’m starting

by kiki dogwood

I weigh 3 1/2 pounds more than last week.  Yes I know that is not possible.  It was the very late dinner and not enough water over the past three, oh maybe five, days.  I know it’s not real but it still pisses me off.  I’m pissing me off.  24.8% fat this morning.

1.5 L spring water (not tap water which is full of chlorine and fluoride and bugs)

3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice (organic if you can find them)

3 tablespoons pure grade B maple syrup (do NOT use grade A)

a tiny pinch of cayenne (too much will ruin the whole thing)

repeat 2-3 times a day.

Also, add in a cup of tea or two, sweetened with a tablespoon of maple syrup.  Make sure to get at least 900 calories or your metabolism will shut down and you won’t lose weight.

I’ve never made it the whole 10 days before; only 7.  Three times I’ve gone 7.  I’ve always come out of it with a fresh perspective of healthy food choices and knowing I do possess the willpower to tell the Starbucks lady to fuck off.  I want to make it the whole way and come off the proper way, with a day of fresh orange juice and resist the urge to pour champagne into it.  No promises.

jenschmen on flickr


9 Responses to “I’m starting”

  1. Hey look, it’s a picture of my thigh.

    So, I was thinking about this, and I’m sure PART of this is my superwussitude, but some of it also may be common sense: I’m afraid if I do this and work out the way I do in that class, I might actually fall down dead. DEAD. I know we’ve talked about this, and your energy source is your own body fat and that’s the point—but I’m not sure how a person can do this and be at all active at the same time, without consuming any protein for 10 days. I would do it with you if I get to eat plain chicken breast. Would that make the whole rest of it completely pointless?

    I totally admire you for having this will power, by the way. And for the record, I weigh 2.5 pounds more than I did on Friday and am 24% body fat, because of the late starchy dinner and the lack of water and the wine and probably the dark chocolate covered chipotle almonds that I’ve been eating like it’s my job. So, it’s possible.

  2. I’m not asking you to do it. I was just telling you I was. I’ve done it before and worked out everyday, but nowhere near the level you’re working out in your class. I don’t want you to die.

    Off topic, I am packing. And I have ruthlessly cut my t-shirt collection in half, so now I only have THIRTY. What the fuck is my problem with t-shirts?

  3. OMG, I KNOW. I think one reason why we’re friends is because we have this deep soul t-shirt-problem connection. I’m afraid to go clean out my closet (which I have to do today) because I’m going to have a similar realization.

    I know you’re not asking me to do it. I’m just asking if it would be completely pointless if I did it, but also ate protein.

  4. […] do you think of the Master Cleanse?  Or, more specifically, what do you think of our Kiki’s plan to do the Master Cleanse?  I’m guessing that you’re not a huge fan of something that […]

  5. Ladies: Can you recommend a Cuckoo Anderson DVD for yours truly? I am in need of some definition. Love, Annondog

    PS I would DIE trying to do that and work out. Or work. Or get out of bed.

  6. I would say either start with her older Mat Workout dvd:

    Or the newer Perfect Design Series sequence 1:

    Or sequence 2, if you’re adventurous:

    I think sequence 2 is probably my favorite, but if you’re new to the Cuckoo, then starting with that might make you go, “what the… WHAT?”

    There are some webisodes on, which are about 10 minutes long each and $10—one for butt/thighs, one for abs/arms, one for a treadmill cardio, and I think there’s one other. But I just tried going there, and it took me back to her regular website, and I can’t find the videos. If you search for them on YouTube, you can probably find them. Here’s the arms one:

  7. YOU’RE AMAZING. thanks.

  8. […] Dogwood came to me and said he wanted to fast.  This is music to my ears.  I cannot fast without him and have been waiting for him to get to […]

  9. […] dropping one pound at a time, slowly going into starvation mode.  I’m going to go back to my original post about this in 2010 and adjust the recipe and make a note to drink enough calories.  I’m […]

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