Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)

Suck on it, Nemesis.

by margo fontaine

Trust me. USE IT.

Okay, you guys.  You know about the hate/HATE relationship I have with my nemesis Cellulite.


Do you also know that (other than our own Kiki Dogwood) I’m the biggest skeptic ever?  Forreals.  Well, I have to say a big thank you to our own Kiki Dogwood for telling me about the St. Ives Cellulite Shield Advanced Body Moisturizer, because you know what, ladies?  It works.  Really.  I’ve used cellulite-battling products before, and none of them have done any good at all.  They are sticky and they smell bad, and they piss me off with their expensive non-effectiveness.  I was desperate with the onset of bikini challenge, and Kiki said this stuff smelled delicious, and it was $4.  So, I bought it, and it does smell delicious, like sweet citrusy limes, and it works.

For the record, I was also using some Nivea-gel-with-lotus-blossom thing at the same time, and it was alright, I guess, but I forgot all about it around the 2 week point.  I’d say maybe the third week of using this lotion (it’s only the lotion that I’ve used, because I haven’t found the Gel Crème anywhere), I saw my ass in the mirror and I thought, “Hmmm… No. Freakin’. WAY.”  And I chalked it up to the booze goggles I was wearing and I went to sleep.

But the next day, without any goggles, I summoned up the courage to look again, and I swear to Salma Hayek, I couldn’t stop looking and might have even liked what I saw.

I know.

The moral of the story, as always, is: FUCK YOU, CELLULITE.  But another very important lesson to take away from this is: try this stuff.  It’s cheap and it smells fantastic, and it seriously works.


8 Responses to “Suck on it, Nemesis.”

  1. I am getting some tomorrow! and let me tell you I will know if it works. My ass looks like a golf ball! So I will know if it works! I might have to get 3 of 4 tubes per week to cover my hail damaged ass but i’ll get it covered!

  2. What I found looks a little different than this—it’s like the white bottle, but it’s orange and says “Total Body Cellulite Control” above and “Advanced Body Moisturizer” below. I also have the golf ball hail damaged ass (seriously, I look 60), and never ever expected any product like this to make a difference.

    (The Nivea I used is their “Good-bye Cellulite Fast-Acting Serum”—Ultra Concentrated with Lotus Extract & L-Carnitine. I’m not knocking it, but I’d rather buy 3 18 oz bottles of the St. Ives over that 2.5 oz of Nivea for the same price. I don’t care how much Tyra Banks would disagree with me.)

  3. I am going to go look for it tomorrow. Not only am i a golf ball ass but after my weight loss my ass sank to my knee’s so its a saggy ass. Makes me sick. I use to have a cute little butt ! Now its a flat, hail damaged, old woman looking pancake ass. There will be NO Before and afters on this one I assure you. I am also a cheap ass, so i bet i can find some coupons! LOL

  4. I am so lazy that I couldn’t even remember to use it once a day. It stems from taking care of baby, but also from wanting my stuff put away. Out of sight, out of mind, and no routine for myself. Now it’s out on the bathroom counter as a reminder to smear it on the lumpy parts. I did notice the results on you on Saturday.

  5. (This, by the way, Kiki, is the reason why so much is not put away at my house. Because I forget it exists. I’m not kidding. It’s ridiculous. I don’t even remember that I have food in my cabinets.)

    It’s funny, but that one little act of self-care really has made a difference for me. Something about the ritual of it is nice. But that’s only true because it smells good.

  6. I knew you were going to say that.

  7. Okay okay seriously, are you guys for real? This stuff actually works?

  8. It works for me. And nothing ever works for me.

    (Except for the stuff Kiki recommends, because she is good at picking stuff.)

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