Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)

Guess who’s fat?

by kiki dogwood

What’s up, ladies?  Anybody still here?  Hello?


So, I spent this summer packing on the pounds and managed to go from something like 158 (13 pounds from goal) all the way up to 169.4!  Holy hell!  And I’m not even pregnant!  I blame this on Southern Style Chicken Sandwiches (omg I want one so bad just by typing it), Starbucks Chai Tea Lattes and lemon pound cake, Paul Newman’s pizza margherita, ranch dressing, and of course, box wine.  If any skinny minnies need to know how to put on weight and keep it on, that right there is a no-fail recipe.

This puts me at 24 pounds from my goal weight of 145.  I spent most of 1994-2004 weighing 137-150 so I know that 145 is a happy medium that was easy to maintain prior to me turning 30.  I am ashamed to look at my own thighs in the bathtub at 169.

So here’s the thing about Kiki losing weight/being on a diet/drinking less/eating healthy:  Kiki can’t do it without Mr. Dogwood.  Mr. Dogwood is a saboteur who loves his box wine and he is also a grown man that Kiki cannot boss around, which is why Kiki married him.  Mr. Dogwood is now 33 pounds from his goal weight and his suits don’t fit him.  He is supremely unhappy at his current weight and not giving Kiki the business out of fear of being mistaken for two beached whales in a fist fight.  I kid.  I don’t know why he’s not giving me the business.  We both hate being in our own skin right now.

Mr. Dogwood came to me and said he wanted to fast.  This is music to my ears.  I cannot fast without him and have been waiting for him to get to this point of self-loathing, so I quickly said, “I will do it with you.”  Fasting in the Dogwood house transitions easily into the Modified Fat Flush Hearts Kat Eden Diet, so I don’t want to hear how bad fasting is when it gets us back into a proper relationship with food.  I have been abusing food.  Ranch dressing.  Barf.  I’m even allergic to the msg and dip my pizza in it anyway.

We started the fast on Tuesday.  This morning, Thursday, I’d lost 6.4 pounds and Mr. Dogwood 6.8.  It’s Day 3.  Usually by Day 3 I am feeling skinny and weighing in somewhere around 154.  Today I am on Day 3 and still unacceptably fat because I was so fat to begin with.  We’ve never made it the full 10 days, so that is our goal.  Long term, we’re thinking that we might each drop a permanent 5 pounds by the end of the fast (once everything balances out and we’re eating again), and then we will do the Fat Flush until Christmas Eve, taking one day off for Thanksgiving where we will be allowed to eat all the turkey and green beans we want.

This should get me safely below 145.  I told Mr. Dogwood that we can then make a baby.

Looking for Master Cleanse inspiration I came across this little hottie, who did the fast for 40 days.  That is insane and not at all what my goal is– there are other people who fasted for 40 days on youtube and check in a year later saying what a huge mistake it was and for no one to go above 10 days.

Anyway, here is Abigail on Day 1 (clearly that surgery she speaks of was on her titties):

and on Day 40:

If she can do 40, certainly I can do 10.

However, I haven’t pooped since Tuesday.  I don’t want to drink the herbal tea and I don’t want to drink the salt water flush.  I read about a supplement called Triphala that is supposed to be fruit-derived, natural and gentle, and was disappointed to find out that GNC has never heard of something at least a thousand years old.  I’m sending Mr. Dogwood to Sun Harvest after work today to find some.  I was handing him some important work papers for the day and he asked me to write the name of the supplement on the top of the papers.  I don’t know why I paused.  It’s an obscure name; I’m sure if someone happens to read the papers in his hand that they would not know that Mr. and Mrs. Dogwood haven’t had a bowel movement in 2 days.  But I did pause with pen poised in the air and Mr. Dogwood said, “Unless the name is Laxi-poop.  Then don’t write it on the paper,” and I laughed that ab-cramping silent laugh so hard that I had to put my head down on the kitchen island to support myself because I haven’t eaten since Monday.


7 Responses to “Guess who’s fat?”

  1. I was back up to 139.4 (starting point was 144.6, I think) and then I went on a spa resort vacation (I know), and lost 3 pounds. So, that’s 136.4 as of this morning (my bitch was 125, but Kiki said 120), and I’ve probably gained it all back from the wine and pop chips.

    Is there a way to fast without fasting?

  2. also, I want her bed-in-the-wall.

  3. I’m still here! I’m still here!

    Fasting scares me.

  4. I knew this day would come!! are we getting the band back together? I am like a woman who keeps going back to her abusive husband, thats right ladies, I have been hard core Cucukoo Anderson the last two months. But guess who is my bitch -******* 122 ********* NO SHIT!!. I am here for you bitches! Hope your cleanse is going great Kiki – Margo – Tracy Anderson’s 30 day method is the shit – diet plan included. Oh so good to hear from you all!!

  5. NO WAY JAIME! 122! Awesome! And yes, haha, let’s get the band back together!

    I will not tell you what I weight right now because you will all kick my arse. It’s just stress, I swear.

    Kiki – please post on the fast update. And what’s this about more baby-making?

    Margo – where are you?

  6. Holy shit, ladies. I didn’t realize y’all were still here. I posted that and checked back a few days later, then forgot about it. I will update now. I missed y’all!

  7. Yay! I was stalking you at your other blog for a while. And I don’t check here anymore but forgot I signed up for email notifications, so here i am. Where the fuck is Margo?

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