Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)

So here we are

by kiki dogwood

Mr. Dogwood only lasted 5 days on the fast.  I wanted to go 10 or 14 and was really feeling super (except for an episode with the salt water flush holy mother of God I am never doing that again I thought I might have to go to the emergency room) but he felt like he was getting snippy (having a toddler and fasting is not the easiest thing) and wanted to start the transition into the Fat Flush Plan.  You are supposed to break the fast with 2 days of fresh-squeezed orange juice, then a day of vegetable broth.  We broke the fast with a morning of orange juice, a lunch of vegetable broth, and a bowl of rice for dinner.  Once your appetite comes back, it really hits hard and I was impatient.  Yes, I had the brown waterfall a day later but I took a swig of Pepto and it never returned.  Is taking Pepto after a cleanse counter-productive?  Duh, but I wasn’t about to suffer the brown waterfall again.

I started at 169.4 and after a few days my weight balanced out to 162.4.  Seven pounds in five days is pretty fucking dope.  We started the Fat Flush and this morning I’m down to 161.  My hips are visibly slimmer.  I went to the Gap and bought a new pair of skinny jeans.  Is that jumping the gun?  Absolutely but I don’t give a shit but I’m taking this train all the way to the station.

Mr. Dogwood was down 11 pounds as of yesterday.  I haven’t had a drink in 13 days.  Can you believe that?  I sleep like a rock at night, which started the first night of the fast.  The No’s of this diet are no alcohol, no sugar, no caffeine and no yeasty things including soy sauce.  The purpose of the whole thing is to give your liver a break from being bombarded with toxins that steal vital minerals from your body, and allow your liver to do its primary job of burning fat.

Here’s what we’re eating:


2 eggs for breakfast each day

Whey protein

About 8 oz of lean meats chosen from

Turkey slices (look up all of the alias for MSG when choosing yours– there was a reason that Hilshire Farms honey turkey was so tasty)

Ground turkey

Turkey sausage (buy organic, low salt)

Salmon (sockeye is the most delicious)




Lamp chops



Two fruits per day:

Mandarin oranges












Unlimited vegetables:

Romaine lettuce


Bell peppers


Cherry tomatoes

Brussel sprouts


Green beans

Alfalfa sprouts


There are more fruits and vegetables to choose from but this is what we like.  Phase 1 is supposed to go 2 weeks but you can take it up to 4 weeks, then in phase 2 you can add in a sweet potato, or butternut or acorn squash (omg so excited) and a slice of Ezekiel bread.  Your weight loss should continue in phase 2, just more slowly.  In phase 3 you can bring in olive and sesame oil, lots of other friendly carbs, raw nuts, and a little bit of dairy.  I can’t wait to resume my love affair with goat cheese.  I am cheating now by adding olive oil and sea salt to things, but I’ve gotten a lot better about creating meals and don’t feel like suffering through blandness.  Mr. Dogwood isn’t going to stick with me through this if it’s bland.  All kinds of spices are allowed but stay away from things like excessive chili powder unless you want to retain two pounds of water in the morning.

We’re having two 1.5 Liter bottles of cranwater (6 oz unsweetened cranberry and the rest is water) per day and sweetening the water and smoothies with Stevia.  I’m adding flaxseed oil to the smoothies (made with water, not milk) and using Organicville salad dressings that are apple cider vinegar-based.  The Plan calls for you to make your own salad dressing with flaxseed oil and lemon but I am telling you to just go buy Organicville with cider vinegar.  The supplements we’re taking are a probiotic, CLA, GLA, a multivitamin with chromium and of course, psyllium.  If you do a teaspoon twice a day instead of a tablespoon it’s a lot more palatable.  I truly feel fantastic right now.

Here’s what I’m mixing up for our meals:  for breakfast today I made two over-easy eggs and a slice of Applegate Farms uncured turkey bacon.  The grocery store makes a pico de gallo that I am obsessed with right now.  It’s tomato, onion, a tiny bit of jalapeno, cilantro, lime and salt.  I put it on everything and this morning I spread it over my eggs and chopped them up with the yellows all runny and it was heaven.  We also make some fresh oj and call it a  2-fruit serving.

Tomorrow’s breakfast will be a casserole where I line the bottom of a sprayed casserole dish with the pico, then beat 8 eggs and pour over it, then add 8 oz (1/2 of a package) of turkey sausage that I cooked up in a pan ahead of time.  Pop in the oven at 350 for 30-40 minutes and it doesn’t even feel like you’re on a diet.  It’s breakfast for 2 for two days.  When you cut a serving, cut two eggs’ worth which is a quarter and you’ll be like, “I get to eat that whole thing?!”  When we’re in phase three I’ll add a layer of cheddar cheese or goat cheese beneath the egg.

For dinner last night I made my chicken tortilla soup without the chips and cheese.  I boiled three chicken breasts, then chopped them up.  In a huge pot I poured in two boxes of organic low-salt chicken broth, added the chicken, two cans of diced tomatoes with sweet onion, three stalks of chopped celery, half a sweet onion, 4 chopped cloves of garlic, and two teaspoons of black pepper, red pepper, cumin, and one teaspoon of chili powder.  I let it simmer on low for an hour.  It’s dinner for at least 2 nights.

The night before I made a meatloaf with 2 pounds of lean ground beef, oregano, basil, salt and pepper, and 1/2 cup of the most incredible organic pasta sauce.  It’s Central Market’s Garlic Lover’s Pasta Sauce and it’s made of water, tomatoes, garlic, sea salt, olive oil, onion, basil, oregano and black pepper.  I could eat it with a spoon.  I formed a loaf and put it in the crockpot on high for 2 1/2 hours and then put even more sauce on it when I ate it.

On our first night I marinated 2 cuts of sockeye salmon in a tiny bit of olive oil and this minced garlic in canola oil (watch out– most minced garlic is in hydrogenated oil, read the label) sold in the spice section and baked on 425 for 18 minutes wrapped in aluminum foil.  I added a side of blanched green beans (boil 3 minutes, shock in ice water) that I threw back in a frying pan with tiny bit of butter and the minced garlic and a pinch of sea salt.  They were the best I’d ever made.  For a lunch snack I marinated halved cherry tomatoes in olive oil and garlic with a pinch of salt.

Can you believe I’m cooking all this food?  Totally out of control, right?  I don’t have time for this but it’s fun and obviously I love eating so someone has to do it.

Tonight I’m going to try to make P.F. Chang’s chicken lettuce wraps without the soy sauce.  I am drooling over the Holiday Food Guide in the New York Magazine that just arrived.  Look at this.  Click “view the slideshow” first.  Then, see those blue links?  Click them.  Read.  Learn.  Delicious.  I’m going to try to make the brussel sprouts and cauliflower in a Fat Flush way today.  I almost ate the magazine last night.

So how is everybody?  I missed you Margo!  I missed you all, ladies!  I just needed a break and I guess to hit rock bottom again, and especially to have my teammate finally say he was on board to make my life easier.  Life is so much more hectic now– I work in three counties 3 or 4 days a week and the neighbor takes care of baby Dogwood for about 4 hours a day.  He’s better behaved with her and her son than he is with me, that’s for sure.  I bought the 10 Minute Trainer and have done the DVDs about 6 times so I need to get off my lazy ass and really commit to that.

And yes, I told Mr. Dogwood that in January or February we can try for baby #2.  Whenever we talk about baby #2 he follows it with talk about baby #3 and I just don’t think he understands how I feel like life isn’t going to start for me until all of my babies are at least 5 years old so maybe we shouldn’t make so many.


One Response to “So here we are”

  1. This. Is. Awesome. I’m soooo going to make some of those recipes, I’ve been eating like shit for a month.

    My boot camp at the gym is AWESOME. I’m kicking everyone’s ass. And I started running road races! Did a 5K last weekend in 24:30. I’m quite pleased with myself, as you can tell.

    Babymaking scares me. The end.

    (Well, not the making part, the baby part.)

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