Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)

Today I woke up feeling thinner

Finally, really for the first time, I feel thinner.  The dial scale says something around 163 but to be honest I can’t read it because that’s the problem with dial scales:  they’re too hard to read.  I even just had my vision tested last weekend (20/15!  Better than average!) and I still can’t really read it.  The digital scale is playing its silly fucking games with me again, saying 165.6 and when I take out the battery it still won’t reset itself.  But then I put two 12.5 pounds weights (what are those doing in my closet other than collecting dust?) on the dial scale and it says 25 pounds so I know it’s right.

Go ahead and picture me in my underwear and bedhead dusting off hand weights first thing in the morning, cussing at the scales.  Basically it’s going to take me 15 minutes to weigh myself everyday from here on out.

You know how you hear women say that after pregnancy the weight is shifted?  I didn’t really think about what that meant until this week.  I’m not carrying 20 extra pounds in my calves, my arms, my boobs or my face.  My knee boots fit me fine.  My hands are so thin that my wedding ring falls off.  I’m only carrying the weight from mid-thigh to my waistline.  It looks absurd when I’m naked.  I can’t stand seeing myself.  I’m unrecognizable.  It’s not fair.  It’s like I’ve got a big belt of fat on that goes around my abdomen and the back of my waist, creating a muffin-top.  Fuck you, muffin-belt.  I’m not stopping this fast until I see 150-something.

Things are going well with the fast still; I don’t feel like quitting.  The rule is that I can’t quit on any given day past 11am anyway.  It’s easy to let the stress of the day get to you and say, “Fuck this, I’m getting a pizza” so if I quit, it has to be before the stress hits me.  I haven’t wanted to quit yet anyway.  Today is day 5 so after 4 days of fasting I’m down 11 1/2 pounds.  I’m feeling more in control now and if I can control the food going into my mouth then I can get on to controlling the rest of my life, like my business and keeping my house in order.

To be honest, I don’t even like myself unless I’m under 155.  It’s the max I should ever weigh.  143 is the goal but wouldn’t it be fun to be 135 for the summer?  Is that possible?


6 Responses to “Today I woke up feeling thinner”

  1. Wait, remind me what you ingest again when you do this? Cran-water? Or really nothing?

    And yes, it’s possible. I swear. Don’t ask me how, but you can do it. You were doing it after Baby Dogwood #1 and just got sidetracked by Little Dogwood 2. Onward!

  2. 1.5 L of spring water + 3 tablespoons organic lemon juice + 3 tablespoons grade b maple syrup + a dash of cayenne pepper.

    Repeat 2-3 times throughout the day, plus have some tea with maple syrup to make sure you get at least 900 calories.

    Today is the first day my stomach even growled. I think I had so much fat to live off of that my body didn’t even notice I wasn’t eating.

  3. Whoa. 11 1/2 pounds in FOUR DAYS? Are you sure I’m forbidden from the fasting?

  4. This is my 7th time doing it so I know I’m going to be ok. I don’t know that you would be ok.

  5. Well, if I wasn’t, I would stop doing it. Duh. I’m not so dumb.

  6. What I had in mind was an emergency-type situation where by the time you realized you’re not ok, it’s too late and then hospital bills materialize in your mailbox.

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