Get to work, bitch. (probably NSFW.)


I’m a little mad at myself for all of those days that I was just dropping one pound at a time, slowly going into starvation mode.  I’m going to go back to my original post about this in 2010 and adjust the recipe and make a note to drink enough calories.  I’m having about 2.5 bottles of lemonade at 300 calories each, plus two cups of organic chai (omg Margs have you been to the tea bar at Whole Foods?) each sweetened with a tablespoon of maple syrup.  Yeah, that’s a lot of syrup.  I deserve it and besides, if I’m going to stay away from Starbucks it’s going to be for some super sweet tea of my own.

I was awake from 4:30 to 6:30 this morning with my babies so Mr. Dogwood let me sleep in till 8:30.  The look on his face when I wandered into the kitchen with my bedhead and maternity underwear* sagging off my hips, carrying the dial scale so he could read my weight to me was all I needed to see to keep going on this until Tuesday morning:  I am visibly skinnier.  I am almost back to my old self.

The chicken can wait.  I’m on a mission.


*They’re not really maternity underwear so much as they’re maternity underwear to me.  Want to know a quick way to not make friends with fat ladies?  Walk into Lane Bryant a size-10 and 8 months pregnant and sort through their underwear (the hipsters are the only way to go) and watch how one hostile employee after another inquires, “Those are for you?”

Me:  Hi, do you have any hipsters?

Lane Bryant Sales Woman 1:  For you?

Me:  Yes, for me.  They’re so comfortable and flattering.

LBSW1:  But they’re for you?

Me:  Yes, have you seen my butt?  I’m going to go try them on.

LBSW1:  Try them on?  You’re buying them for yourself?


Me:  Hi, I really like these but you don’t have much selection.  Can we order some to be delivered?

LBSW2:  What?

Me:  The hipsters.  I love them but they’re so limited in the store.  Can you order them to be sent to my house?

LBSW2:  What size?

Me:  12.

LBSW2:  For you?

Me:  Yes.

LBSW2:  These don’t fit you.

Me:  I assure you they do.  I just tried them on.

LBSW2:  You just tried these on?


I may as well have been screaming about how their clothes are so fat that even pregnant women can wear them, except it was the opposite.  They don’t like regular-sized women in their club.  The looks were snide, the tone was rude.  I’ll never shop in one of their stores again but if you have a big booty, just a tad bit bigger than what Victoria’s Secret designs for, then Cacique hipsters are it.  What to see something fucked up?  Look how their photo editor makes all of the plus-sized models into creepy smoothness as if lumps don’t exist on big girls.


3 Responses to “156.5”

  1. UH, yes, and also: THOSE are “big girls”? My thighs are each about as big around as their waists.

  2. Also, I want those panties. Do they exist in sizes smaller than 12?

  3. No. Just get the large from victoria’s secret.

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